A Very Gay Book by Jenson Titus

Author:Jenson Titus
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Andrews McMeel Publishing
Published: 2023-05-24T23:34:49+00:00

Sports on the Beach (Somehow Gayer?)

All volleyball is gay, but beach volleyball is gayer than indoor volleyball, and many gay academics have spent entire careers exploring the reasons why. At first, the commonly held belief was that it had to do with the sizes of the teams. There are typically two players on each team in regulation beach volleyball games, where there would be six on an indoor team. Researchers speculated that the intimacy achieved on a smaller team was what caused the readings on the devices experts use to measure gayness to spike during beach volleyball matches. The partners on beach volleyball teams have a connection more intimate and emotional than twins. Scientists have experimented with putting teammates in two separate rooms and showing one teammate a video of an elaborate flash-mob proposal and, without fail, the other would start grimacing and rolling their eyes in the next room as if they’d seen it themselves.

It wasn’t long before the speculation that two-player teams were the root of increased gayness was debunked, as experts discovered that even casual beach volleyball games with many players were significantly gayer than indoor games. They also found that other sports played on the beach caused gay levels to spike in much the same way as beach volleyball. In one instance, a game of beach pool (yes, they brought a pool table to the beach—exceedingly queer) caused one of the devices to short-circuit because of how off-the-charts gay it was. This led many to the conclusion that all sports played beachside are categorically gayer than their non-beach counterparts.

So, what is it about the beach that makes playing a sport there so gay?

In the past decade, a few key findings have been uncovered that shed light on this question:

Proximity to the Ocean. The ocean is a lesbian and non-monogamously partnered with the moon. That’s why, if you spend an entire day at the beach, you will notice that after interacting with you for only an afternoon, she is ready to move in.

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